I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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