My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
