Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
