Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
