I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
