speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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