Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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