You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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