I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
