I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
