If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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