i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize