i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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