My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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