is your mom at the bar?
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
