I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize