I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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