Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
