She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize