can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
