Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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