She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
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