If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
