Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
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