I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
