I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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