ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
