so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
