He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
