I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
