all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
