u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
