I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
