dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
