Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
