I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
