My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
