So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
