yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
