my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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