Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
True strength comes from lack of pants
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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