I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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