And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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