I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
