You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize