Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
