My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
