YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
