he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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