twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
