i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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