I'm laying in your front yard are you home
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize
