I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
