I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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