Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
