New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
