I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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