i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
