I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
