anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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