paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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